Mother’s Day
So it’s that time of the year again when shops everywhere are full of flurries of pink, cute fluffy toys and endless cries of ‘mummy you’re the best’ ‘mummy we love you’; yes it’s Mother’s Day this Sunday. Now this will be my third year celebrating this special day as a mother myself and honestly nothing makes me happier than receiving the home made card that daddy has painstakingly got the small person to participate in and all the kisses and cuddles – mind you I love these every day! The problem is this will be my 20th year without my own mum and that just sucks and in some ways more now than ever. Navigating the world of motherhood without my mum has been tough.
We lost her too that shitty disease we all know too well – Cancer. She had been sick since I was 5 and finally lost her battle when I was 13 in May 1996. A couple of months before had been my 13th birthday and we had a mum and daughter trip to see Swan Lake; it was a special treat for me as I loved classical music, ballet and all things theatre but more than that it was some precious time alone with my mum. At this time I had no idea that the cancer had come back, in fact no-one did. She was dying and she didn’t tell anyone how terrible that must have been for her. I cannot imagine knowing I would be leaving my young family behind and having no power at all to stop it.
I do not remember Mother’s Day 1996 and to be honest I do not really remember the two decades of this day that have followed. I normally just shut it out of my mind as best I can and we see my mother in law. I am well aware I am not alone, many of us live without one or both of our parents – after all death is inevitable. Losing mum young hardened me though; it has led me to form very few long lasting friendships and if you speak to my little brother it pretty much ruined our relationship. Taking on the matriarch responsibility at 13 for my 10 year old brother meant we lost the brother sister bit. I won’t lie it was a hard time, none of us coped, we had no money, we had to move and everything changed, but that’s a very long story!
So 20 years on and I am a mummy and gosh I love being a mummy. I didn’t know how much I would love it either. After we sorted out the difficult start to feeding it just felt like this was what I was meant to do with my life. However I felt very alone. I wanted to ring my mum, I wanted to ask her all the silly little questions you have when you bring this small human home. I wanted some reassurance when I was suffering another sleepless night; the first time he was sick, the ‘am I doing this right’ questions that I had. Yes I had other family and friends around me, but there is nothing like your mum. I had to get on with it though, after all it was just one more big life event she wasn’t here for.
I am doing the best I can, which sometimes isn’t great, but my son is a happy healthy larger than life toddler so I must be doing something right! I will celebrate Mother’s Day as we often do with my husband’s family at the pub and we will have a nice time. However nothing will ever change the fact that I miss my mum like crazy and it’s not fair – she should be here. So for all those missing someone it is okay to be angry to be upset and to miss them, it is part of what makes us human. What 'normal' family life looks like is different for every single one of us and my own experiences have taught me never to assume because you just never know what someone else might be going through.
Happy Mother's Day 2017 Mum xx