I haven't written anything for a while. I started writing this blog to talk about parenting but the truth is I can't just talking about parenting without talking about the rest of life, because for me at least the two overlap.
A few weeks ago we decided to put the house up for sale, a decision driven by lots of the normal stuff - being close to the right schools, change of scenery and making the most of the market. The truth however is this house holds some of the worst memories and moments of my life. Since having Edward 3 years ago so much has happened, in the last 2 years we've had two suicide attempts in the immediate family - one I am not at liberty to talk about although it affected us all greatly and the other was my husband. For better or for worse everyday I wake up here and everyday I leave then come back to open the door I am reminded of the horror we went through.
Edward was thankfully too little to really understand what was happening, but my husband having suffered from depression for much of his life could no longer cope. Being a new dad and on reflection suffering with post natal depression then facing the suicide attempt so close to home pushed him over the edge - but I didn't notice. I was too wrapped up in being a new mum, in keeping going myself and doing the best I could that things got really bad for him. He spent more and more time away from home and made some very stupid decisions that hurt us all which we will never forget. By the time I realised what was really going on it was too late. He moved out and stayed in a hotel - a decision I would later realise was so that he could take his own life and not risk Edward and I finding him.
This was nearly 18 months ago. After fighting the NHS for the support we needed and some major changes to the way we live our lives he is doing okay and we are doing okay. It may sound ridiculous that I attach significance to the house with these memories, but I find myself sitting here in tears remembering where I was when these things were happening, how alone I felt and I need to get out, I need to get away from this town - I feel suffocated. I do worry that nothing will change once we have moved that maybe I am wrong and there are greater issues to tackle but I have to try because I don't want to carry on feeling this way.
The one thing that I have learnt from this as a parent though is that we need to talk about our emotions and not force people to put on a brave face. One of my most hated phrases is 'Man Up' what the hell does that even mean!!!???? Just because you are a man you mustn't cry or show emotion, you can't ask for help - what a load of poop! I am raising a little man and if he's sad I hold him and talk to him and let him know I am here and it's okay to be sad. I want him to understand that he doesn't always have to be brave and strong and I will be here to support him. Depression and mental health issues are silent killers that destroy families; I have no idea what I am doing most of the time and my faith in this move may be very misguided but I and we as a family are doing what we feel is right for us.
Apologies for the ramble of a post, but it's a pretty accurate reflection of my state of my mind currently! Whatever you take from this please try hard to kind to one another, you never know what someone is silently going through and a kind word or gesture might turn their and your day around.
xx